Fascinating Indian Women !! !

The Indian Women fascinate me. Her ability to give, share, bear, nurture, cook, work, qualities of head and heart, adjust are just some of the qualities that I admire. Throughout our country’s tumultuous history, she suffered so much yet she continues to retain qualities that make her unique. She has done great service to religion by preserving age old traditions, moral fervor and spiritual vein in our society. It is the mother who conducts puja in our homes, attends spiritual discourses, wears Indian clothes i.e. sari while men have adopted western wear completely.

This post is dedicated to the Indian women. As a nation, we progressed when the Indian woman was accorded her rightful place in society. Its time we treat her like she was up to 300 B.C. It is my belief that India will progress much faster if a greater number of women are educated, financially independent and realize that equality does not mean that you listen to yourself only. Let us resolve to allow her to blossom, flower and show her inner beauty.

Olden age:

The frequent reference to unmarried girls speaks in favor of a custom of girls marrying long after they had reached puberty. Among Aryans, marriage among brothers and sisters was prohibited. There seems to have been considerable freedom on the part of young persons in the selection of their life partners as they generally married at a mature age. Approval of the parent or the brother was not essential, the boy and the girl made up their minds and then informed the elders though their participation in the marriage ceremony was essential i.e. the blessings of the elders were sought.

Suprising as it may sound, in some cases a bride-price was paid by a not very desirable son in law. So also when a girl had some defect, dowry was given. A hymn in the Rig Veda gives us an idea of the old marriage ritual. The boy and his party went to the girl’s house where a well-dressed girl was ready. The boy catches the hand of the girl and leads her round the fire. These two acts constitute the essence of marriage. The boy takes the girl home in a procession followed by consummation of the marriage.

The wife was respected in her new house and wielded authority over her husband’s family. The wife participated in the sacrificial offerings of her husband. Abundance of sons was prayed for so, naturally so in a patriarchal society since the son performed the last rites and continued the line.

There is little evidence to show that the custom of Sati existed. Even if known, it was limited to the Kshatriya class. Remarriage of widows was permitted under certain conditions. Female morality maintained a high standard although but the same degree of fidelity was not expected from the husband.

Women enjoyed much freedom. They took an active part in agriculture, manufacture of bows. They moved around freely, publicly attended feasts and dances.

Birth of a Daughter Unwelcome – As in all patriarchal societies during that age the birth of a daughter was unwelcome. The son lived with his parents, earned money for the family, protected the family from enemies and perpetuated the name of the family. However, the latter’s birth was not considered so bad.

The feeling of dejection on the birth of a daughter did not lead to Female Infanticide in ancient India. This custom crept into India during the medieval period. Once the disappointment on the birth of a daughter was over, the family did not distinguish between their son and daughter.

‘Man is only one half” says a Vedic passage; he is not complete till he is united with his wife and gives birth to children. The husband is to treat his wife as his dearest friend. The wife is a companion friend of a man, says a Vedic passage. The Mahabharat and Buddhist thinkers concur with this view.

Marriage between the same caste was preferred although inter caste marriages were prevalent.

While girls continued to be married around 16, there was a tendency to marry them before they attained puberty. It was probably due to the anxiety to maintain their body purity. Lowering of the marriage age affected their education and culture adversely. After all, if she got married early then how could she study? Extreme emphasis was now laid on the physical chastity of women which discouraged widow remarriage, divorce and encouragement of sati. We must remember that India faced its first foreign invasion ie Greeks during this period.

Social customs are a product of the environment we live in. India had never seen, till 327 BC, an invasion like the Greeks. Quoting freedom fighter, writer K.M. Munshi “About the beginning of the Christian era, perhaps under the influence of foreigners, the spiritual disenfranchisement of women began. 

Remarriage - While Agni Purana, Visvarupa permits a woman to take a second husband under five circumstances, lost, dead, impotent, and outcaste or adopted the life of a recluse it is forbidden by Medhatithi, Brahma Purana.

Widow – As in the previous period, the life of strict celibacy and self-restraint enjoined upon her was sought to be enforced during the period. The tonsure of widow came into vogue about the 8th century a.d. and was to help her lead an ascetic life.

General Status of Women – As in the previous period, the Smritis emphasize the duty of absolute devotion and obedience of wives to their husbands. Medhatithi says that a wife must shampoo her husband’s feet provided the husband follows a righteous path and is free from hatred, jealousy towards his wife. Equal right of the husband and wife to seek legal remedy is advocated by Medhatithi. He takes Manu to enjoin not the actual beating of the recalcitrant wife but only a method of putting her on the right path. 

A Note on Status of Women in Western Society:
 
The Doctrine of perpetual tutelage of women was not taken seriously by Hindu society can be gauged from the fact that a women’s share in property kept on increasing. If suppression of women was indeed the aim, her share in the property should have come down but the opposite happened. According to Dr Leitner, the Educational Commissioner of Punjab during the third quarter of the last century, the elderly women of the house had the difficult job of mediation in family disputes.
 
It must be noted that the doctrine of perpetual tutelage of women was universally accepted everywhere till recent times. Quoting Prof Gilbert Murray “To the average Athenian, it was probably rather wicked for her to have any character, wicked for her to take part in public life, wicked for her to acquire learning.” Even Aristotle’s thought that like slaves, artisans and traders, women should occupy a subordinate place. Their will is weak, virtue less perfect and self-sufficient and deliberative faculty rather inconclusive. Male by nature is superior and female inferior. The one rules and the other is ruled.
 
The Roman Law regarded the wife as the daughter of her husband as far as her juridical status was concerned, for a long time, she could not sign a will, make a contract or become a witness. Down to 200 AD, even mothers of several children, continued to be under the tutelage of their male relations. Women is always dependent says Confucius and owes due homage to her father-in-law and husband. In the Christian marriage, the wife has to take the vow of obedience at the time of her marriage; logically speaking this places her under the perpetual tutelage of her hubby.

The Bible argues that women should never usurp the authority over man, but be always subordinate to them, firstly because Eve and not Adam, was deceived and secondly because the former was created out of a rib of the latter. At the synod of Macon in 585 AD, the assembled bishops debated whether human beings were women at all and finally concluded they were. 
 
Numerous writers of medieval Europe have emphasized the inferiority of women. Milton held women ought to obey without argument. Rousseau, the apostle of freedom, condemned women to a servile position. Girls, he argues, should be subject to restraint. Even educated ladies of the 18th century felt that women should not dream of independence. The French Revolution which stood for Equality was not prepared to grant it to Women. The French National Assembly treated women so contemptuously that it even refused to read their petition.
 
Divorce – The earlier Dharmasastras tell us that divorce was permitted under certain circumstances at the beginning of the Christian era. Inspite of lots of opposition, it became well grounded around the beginning of the Christian era that a women could be married only once. To divorce one husband and to marry another, because the marital life was not happy, began to appear as a grossly sensual procedure. It may be pointed out that the Roman Catholic Church holds the same view today, as it regards marriages as indissoluble. (The book was written in 1956). In England, down to the middle of the 19th century, a divorce could be had only by an Act of Parliament. Between 1715 and 1855 A.D., only about 180 persons could get divorce through Parliamentary Legislation.

Duty of Obedience - The original Christian ritual, specify enjoined the duty of obedience upon the wife. She took the oath that she would love and obey her husband till her death, while the latter merely observed that he would love and cherish her. The deliberate differentiation in the oath was a natural corollary of the theory adumbrated in Paul, V, 22, that the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the Church. It is interesting to note that even in 1928, the British Parliament refused to sanction the proposal to delete the reference to obedience from the wife’s oath.  
The theory of wife’s subordination is dying out in the West.

Physical Assault of Wife – With the reduction in the average age and education of girls, physical assault of the wife did happen in India. But was the situation any different in the West? In medieval Russia, the bride’s father supplied his son-in-law with a new whip as a symbol of his authority and it was hung over the bridal bed. 

Sati – The custom of sacrifice of the widow at the funeral of her husband was widely prevalent since ancient times. Although there is no direct evidence that it prevailed during the Indo-European Age, the fact that it was practiced among the Gauls, Goths, Norwegians, Celts, Slaves and the Thracians would justify that it was probably well established among the Indo-Europeans. 

The rite of sati was enjoined by some authorities but condemned by others but the custom was mainly confined to royal families. According to Arab writer Sulaiman “the wives of kings sometimes burnt themselves on the funeral fires of their husbands, but it was for them to exercise their option in this matter”.  Remember the first Muslim invasion in Sind, 712 A.D. was during this period. 
 
Purdah – There is no doubt that Purdah was unknown in India down to 100 B.C. It is only after the starting that some sections of society in Northern India, notably royalty, began to advocate greater seclusion for women, ie they put a veil. (Could be the impact of foreign invasion). The Chinese travelers of the 7th century A.D. did not mention it too. The Purdah system became widely prevalent in North India subsequent to the Muslim invasion.
Seclusion of women was not confined to India alone. In Athens, 500 B.C., women could not meet their husband’s guests or go out of the house without proper guards. 

A bridegroom could not see his bride before marriage in ancient Greece. At Sparata, women had separate apartments and could not be present at banquets. In Assyria veil was worn by all married women. In Persia, seclusion of women had become quite common before the beginning of the Chrisitan era. The Bible lays down that women should not speak in public at the Church.  Tertullian says “For a virgin of virtuous habits every appearance in public with an unveiled face is equivalent to suffering a rape”. 

 
To come down to modern times, women lived under restrictions. Down to 1850 A.D. in England, a woman could not take a walk, much less a journey, alone, nor could she ask a fellow worker to visit her, unless the worker was a girl. When two ladies spoke at a meeting convened for the purpose of supporting a women’s cause in Parliament, a Member of Parliament said “Two ladies have disgraced themselves for speaking in public”. When the House of Commons was built in 1844, it was great difficulty that a Ladies Gallery was sanctioned. 
 
Child Marriage – In the Vedic Age down to 400 B.C, girls got married between the age of 16 to 18. They encouraged early marriage. The Sarda Act of 1929, made the marriage of girls and boys before the age of 14 and 18 an offence.
 
Child marriages were common in Europe for a long time. In ancient Rome, maidens were married at the age of 10 or 12. In the age of chivalry, girls were often married at the age of 5 because marriage was a matter of military tactics and alliances. The rule of the Church that boys and girls should be married at the age of 15 and 12 was openly flouted. In England, except in the upper classes, child marriage was common in Tudor times. 

Nudity – The real explanation of women appearing without covering their busts properly in the sculptures, paintings of Southern, Central India seems to be the artistic convention of that age. Breasts are the most significant symbol of motherhood and the artistists felt that they may be uncovered in works of art, though they may be actually covered in real life. Let’s not confuse the matter .

Convention in India or European countries prescribed a scantier dress for woman than what is actually used in real life. This will be apparent to all students of ancient and modern sculptures & paintings of Europe. We cannot conclude that women in modern Europe move about in a nude condition because they appear uncovered in some works of art, so also the same logic applied to the Indian women. 

India is a vast and complex capitalist society. Said to be the largest liberal democracy in the world with a population of over 1 billion, India is not easy to assess. Viewed through a western perspective it can often seem an impenetrable place. Often we see the Indian woman cast as a victim of patriarchal and religious control. Images of instances of ‘sati’ and stories of mass foeticide have helped form in the western mind the stereotypical ignorant and backward Indian women. However there is a ‘rich history linked to the social reform movements’ that were taking place in India in the nineteenth and twentieth centuries . This history has a direct link to the women of today and in this essay we will show how the Indian women’s movement is a vibrant and complex movement that includes millions , yet is not a diverse and often of a contradictory nature. We will show how the movement varies according to geographical area, how individual organisations are run along differing ideological perspectives and how they are tackling the many problems that Indian women face.

Therefore in order to evaluate the position of women in India today it is necessary to first look at some of the fundamental changes that occurred through the nineteenth and twentieth centuries ; in particular the nationalist and independence movement. These movements and the changes they brought about in India profoundly altered women’s standing in society.

Education of women became a popular idea in India (amongst the higher castes at least) in the early nineteenth century/ This was done in the context of the nationalist movement as it was seen as desirable that women became educated in their own language, and desirable that they could achieve a superiority over western women, women of the preceding generation and over women of the lower classes. This gave the women of the higher classes and castes a sense of freedom and self-emancipation. This, however, was part of the dichotomy that Chatterjee identified and in fact led to a new form of oppression.

It was around the 1970’s that the contemporary women’s movement began to be more radical and active, especially against the Indian state who for a time declared a state of emergency which led to the repression of all political and progressive groups, not just women’s. This repression led to a fight back by women’s organisations which greatly increased their scope and power. Today issues are fought over a large spectrum of issues including  union rights, abusive partners, the rights of ‘dalit’ women (the lowest caste in the Hindu religion), worker’s rights, sexual assault and much more. It is not just left-wing and progressive causes that are fought over by women, but right-wing issues too.

However this elevation of the individual through sexuality gives women the power to enter political debate with religious symbolism, muddying the waters of the Indian states already shaky secular status. This extension of the dichotomy of ghar and bahir, and the empowering affect the ‘protective inner sanctum of the home’ has on Hindu women enables them to attack politicians, Muslims and the secular state, often in a violent way. The assertion of female dominance over Muslim men has led to widespread violence against them. Propaganda from the right has helped build up the caricature of the Muslim man as attacker of Hindu women and therefore attacker of all Hindus. It is the case that this violence is an example of the right-wing Hindu movement’s abilities to co-opt women’s issues in the name of their own causes.


The Indian woman is not, however, defined wholly by the right’s attempts to appropriate them. Many millions of women are engaged in a variety of protests against such gender distinctions as ghar and fight many other battles, small and large. Before we detail some of these battles we must first look at how these battles arise and why.
In India it seems that the types of protest that occur are very much dependent on the locale. Different parts of India seem to produce different types of protest from women. 

Protest by women in India against oppressive conditions comes in many forms. Today the women’s movement ‘exists in a highly decentralized form with hundreds of organizations in both urban and rural areas throughout the country’ Desai  shows us that the Indian women’s movement has become more affective by distinguishing between national and local level organisation. 

Through autonomous, flexible and informal structures and collective types of organisations the Indian women’s movement has been able to achieve in both political and cultural spheres : National organisation and collective work with other groups to achieve political goals and local successes through initiating collective responsibility in cultural matters. 

This is supported by Bush in his study of the Indian states response to and dealings with issues of domestic violence. When the state recast the problem of violence as a social issue it had the effect of providing protection against violence but no actual empowerment. This led to only superficial successes. This study points out that the institutionalisation of women’s movements may lead to diminished effectiveness. 

I would say, then that whilst the Women’s movement in India is an energetic and modern movement, influencing over social movements both nationally and internationally, there are still many problems to confront. Particularly the inversion of feminist values by right-wing groups and the problem of defining what exactly women’s rights should constitute : The narrowing of feminist values. In this essay we have shown that the Indian women’s movement is diverse and that women in India today are involved in redefining their own gender roles. Indian women today are far from the ignorant, oppressed stereotype perceived in the west. They in fact are active in both an individual and collective approach to organisation, and are centrally engaged in transforming their own lives.

I respect and bow my head down to such wonderful people. :) 

How much does Happiness costs ?

"Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants..", said someone :p

I just had a rough thought about the above quote. As I usually do.

One day when I started to my office, saw so many in the city doing the same.

Hurrying , shouting, screaming and even quarrelling with the fellow mates.

Where do you all go? Where do we go?

Office?

Why?

To learn?

May be. But, No.

Why then?

Just that we all need a job?

Yes Of course; But why do you need one?

We are paid only when we work.

This sounds the best :)

Money.

"Love of money", it is said, is the root of half the evil in the world; lack of money is the root of the other half." Both these statements are broadly true.

The implications of the first statement are obvious enough the love and lure of wealth generally prompt people to resort to all sorts of malpractices, such as hoarding, black market, deception, miserliness, greed and dishonesty.

Any one who develops this madness for money becomes, like the greedy Jew and the miserly Slot, a devotee, or rather a slave, of the goddess of wealth. He earns and hoards money by every possible means, denying himself and his wife and children a good living in the attempt to save every penny he can lay his hands upon.

Love of money often compels a person to take to evil and antisocial habits, and consequently he is not tolerated or welcomed in decent. Honest society. Such lure also leads people to commit thefts, resort to cheating in office and company accounts, and in tax returns, in business and industry; in fact, deception spreads in every branch of human activity.

Cases have been known of people whose love of money led them to work all the time without rest and thus ruin their health. They spent the rest of their lives trying to regain their lost and ruined health—but all in vain. Thus they lost both the wealth they had earned by laboring ceaselessly, and the health in the process.

It is rightly believed that the power of the purse is a great power; it brings prestige, influence, friends, flatterers and admirers, just as hone; brings flies and comforts and conveniences of life. When pockets a cherished more than hearts and brains, human bodies, justice and dignity? And deterioration of character and of morals sets in, gradually but surely. The love and possession of wealth also bring in their wake callousness and dislike of the weak and lack of sympathy towards the helpless.

The human factor, which is undeniably vital, tends to be ignored. The rid man is generally found coming in the way of progressive movements. Moreover, large quantities of money do not bring high intelligence. Nor do love of money and greed for gold necessarily ensures culture, his standards and good breeding.

In fact, the knack of earning money and hoarding it for the sheer love of it teaches a person many evil things; it debases and dehumanizes him, thus defeating the very purpose of life and of creation.

The quest for money does not ensure happiness and contentment; on the contrary almost always leads to discontentment, constant fear that the hoards money might be lost or stolen; it is the cause of sleepless nights, of illusions and psychological suffering, of cruelty to fellow human beings and a gross distortion of human values, apart, of course, from glaring and heart- breaking economic imbalances which by themselves are a cause of more evil.

The second statement that lack of money is the root of the other half is also true, though saints and philosophers have often said that love money brings in its train more evil than the lack of it. When there is: enough money and there is stark poverty and destitution, people star and starvation prompts them to resort to every conceivable method to some money anyhow from anywhere, regardless of the violations of la and of the principles of morality.

Poor people sometimes commit suicide; kill their children and act in sheer disgust. They commit thefts robberies because of the deep-rooted frustration that the lack of money creates. Many thieves confess in court that it was sheer poverty and deprivation that compelled them to commit a theft or rob a rich person.

Whenever there is misdistribution of wealth, and of the good things of life, there is jealousy and despair in the deprived section of human. And misdistribution of wealth is to be found everywhere; it is only in an ideal society that everyone has the same and equal share of the ma and wealth earned by a country. In the absence of economic equality it is no wonder that crime and criminals flourish.

Jawaharlal Nehru wrote in his famous book "Discovery of India":

"There was poverty and the innumerable progeny of poverty everywhere, and the mark of this beast was on every forehead. Life had been crushed and distorted and made into a thing of evil, and many vices had flown from this distortion and continuous lack and ever-present insecurity. That was the basic reality in India."

The sight of half-naked, starving children should move every soul, but it does not; rather, when the sight is common, people tend to become indifferent to all the misery and poverty that stares countless people in the face day after day and ruins their lives beyond measure and beyond redemption.

So the conclusion is, in the words of Goldsmith, "I'll fares the land to hastening ills a prey, where wealth accumulates, men decay." But such decay also seems inevitable where there is utter, soul-killing poverty.

Money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Now, laugh at people who say, 'KAASU .. PANAM.. DHUTTTU . MONEY MONEY... '

Good Day :)

Who the hell defined Women are weak?

Sunday, July 27. 9,45 pm , Chennai.

I was waiting for my friend. I left home telling that I have to board the bus at 9.30, two hours earlier than the actual time; simply because I wanted to spend a decent time with him. Exactly opposite to the Koyambedu Moffusill bus stand is the Police station. I was standing in front of its gate and called my friend.

Gowri: Yes macha… How are you?

I: You idiot, I told you that I am waiting in Koyambedu for you. Where the hell are you?

Gowri: Oh ya. Sorry. That should have been ‘Where are you?’ :p I’m on my way. Tell me where you are waiting.

I: I am waiting in front of the Police station.

Gowri : Done. I’ll be there in 15 mins. I crossed Guindy.

It actually takes at least 45 minutes to reach Koyambedu from Guindy , during Weekends. 

Gowri is indeed new to Chennai.

‘Go .. Go and get me the papers. Or let me file the case’, Shouted in anger , a mid aged COP.

Going inside the Police station were 3 men carrying a bike, towed. It was a Black Honda Shine.

I was looking at them, turning my head slowly towards them.

‘Anga paakadha thambi. Vedikka pakradhukku kuda Fine poduvanga’ (Don’t look there, my boy. They would fine you for even staring at them), uttered a lady voice.

I turned and threw a smile at her. She is an Auto driver. In Chennai, it is very rare to find Lady Auto drivers. And finding one, being active after 9 pm is almost impossible.  I got an insight that I have met the impossible J .

‘Yenga poganum thambi?’ , She. (Where do you want to go?)

‘Bangalore’, I. She might not have got impressed with that answer.  I was sure that she was expecting someone who could do justice and help her for why she is there even so late.

She gave a very hopeless reaction. Taking off her Khakhi shirt, which she wore on top of a typical south Indian Saree.

She started counting her day’s income. I saw her face. Not the money. She was so curious, expecting few hundred more than the previous day’s collection.

‘Seems you had a good day. Why would you suffer more? You can leave to your home and sleep peacefully’, I said.

‘Peace? :D haha. Peace, Happy, Luxury .. We people who struggle for survival, cannot imagine of all these, my boy’ She worried.

I personally don’t believe it. I believe every living being in the planet is equally blessed with Happiness and sorrows.  It is just a matter of how weak we are, which makes them sound so complex and complicated.

‘Where are you from?’ I asked her.

She was calling for some people, looking for her next sawari. She didn’t listen to me.

‘Akka, Where are you from?’, I did again.

‘Ayanavaram thambi’ , She.  It is little far from where we were.

Ting!! Blinked my BlackBerry.  Message from my friend, asking whether I have started. I replied No and saw the time.  It was already 10.15.

 I wondered how she could go back to her home at this time. 

‘Family?’ , I.

‘Two boys and a little girl’, She.

‘Husband?’, I.

‘No more’, She.

I wish there exist a minute of silence, for me to take it. But she continued.

‘That mid aged Fu*** COP who was shouting a little while ago, was the one who killed my man.’

I needed a break now. My friend was calling. He would’ve reached. I didn’t mind.

She continued, ‘He was a drunkard. Used to sell vegetables here in this area. He was arrested as a witnessed individual during a local riot here last year. Came back as dead body from this Police station.’

She told it so casually, like narrating a comic to a kid. I was stunned. Completely forgot the luggage I had. It was a CPU cabinet, stuffed inside a big shopper bag by my uncle. I had to hand that over to my cousin who stays in Bangalore. 

‘Take care of your luggage, my boy’, She. ‘You must be careful. Chennai has got some clever thieves’, she smiled.

‘Even my boy wanted a box like this’; (She was pointing the CPU). 

‘Need 3 more thousand to buy that for him. Probably next month, I shall try getting it for him’ she murmured.

I didn’t have any clue why did she tell all this to me. Later I realized she was telling that to herself and not to me. I was just there listening her blabbering.

I wanted to ask about her family. But I hesitated. 

July maadham vandhaal……. Rung my blackberry. My friend from Bangalore.

‘Started macha?’, He.

‘No da. Waiting for the bus’, I.

I cut the call intentionally; only because I wanted continue talking with her.  It was 10.40 then. When I did cut my call she was on another call. Possibly talking with her children. 

She cut the call and started leaving. ‘Akka, your name?’ I queried.

‘Leela’, She replied.

‘Ok akka. See you’, I told. And I couldn’t stop asking her ‘But, Why didn’t you appeal or file a case against the injustice that happened to your husband?’

‘I enquired about all those. I was asked 2500 bucks to file a case. 15000 as Advocate fee, 5500 for registration. I have just started. I am left only with this Auto, for which I have to pay EMI every month.’ She replied.

What could I reply?

I was staring at her. Wondering how could she be so bold enough? How could she feel that confident even after losing his husband for doing nothing?

How a 35 year old lady can accept all these and still starve for a life with so much confidence, when we cannot even digest watching a celebrity crying on a television reality show?

She is so sure that she will fight against her husband’s murder. She didn't get any support from the media who could help her big time. She doesn't even seek for that. And being an auto driver, she cannot help her family, children’s education and also spend money for the court.

Precisely, the point is, Women were called the weaker sex. They are no more as such.

I always use to say, Women are stronger than men. Men adore their mom. They learn braveness and courage from their mom. Fear from father. Men can teach fear. Not courage.

Being courage demands mental toughness. Not physical fitness. 

Men are good in the latter. Women, in the former.  That ideally proves Men are weaker mentally.

From the Stone Age, men go out to hunt. Women remain at home.

It sounds like men are brave. Yes they are. But to remain isolated at home till the man comes back, needs more courage and mental perseverance. 

What if I say you that men never go for hunting all alone? J That is true, by the way.

It was already 11.

‘Auto, Ashok nagar?’ asked a college student.

‘Yes sir. Let’s go’, Leela akka.

Wore that Khaki shirt again and kick started the auto. With the same confidence of getting her son a Computer, and fighting against the Police. She would earn a mere 80 to 100 rupees in that sawari. But I then realized , how crucial that matters for her.

RRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmm… Auto left. I saw the back side of it. TN 04 MK 1948

‘Women have to be brave and bold enough. They must be allowed to be so. The one who shows or uses Physical ability against a woman is considered to be the coward’s king. That is why none of the world’s greatest war has happened with Women and children. 

At the same time, almost all the wars came to an end with an influence of a woman.

The time when a lady can walk on the streets of India without any problem, then comes the actual freedom.’ – M K Gandhi, 1948.

I was still watching the direction by which the auto left, even after it was no more visible.

There was a hand on my shoulder. I turned back.

‘You stupid.. What are you doing here? I was searching you, all around the Post office’, Gowri.

All I could do is smile and said ‘Thanks to your bloody ears’...

Break up?? Wake up !!!

Life is so simple. Give something and Take something. If you fail giving something, you will end up getting nothing.

This theory works everywhere, every time. From a mom feeding her baby, till the last cross on the forehead.

Love is not an exception. Nor, the break up. This is for my friends who were in love. Who enjoyed having Eve’s apple; at least once in their lifetime.

P.S: Please don’t ask me back anything about the post. For the people who know me, I know that I don’t have any sort of experience on whatever I have shared in this post :p .

But it is just an analysis done out of some and re presented here.

The hardest step in the arduous journey of break up recovery is this one painful decision to finally let go.

It’s this single decision that means the difference between learning from this devastating experience and dwelling upon the negative for a long time,risking that this whole process might happen again in your future relationships.

The difficult part about moving on after a break up is that it takes a conscious decision.

It’s so much easier to hold on to the known, the hope that they will come back, rather than to find yourself cut off from your comfort zone.

Moving on, and letting go is exactly that – going out into the unknown, alone, without the one you used to love by your side.

Before you can take this important step, it helps if you are fed up back to the teeth with being powerless, dependent and so helpless about what is happening to you.

This will give you the strength to take action, and this will to get a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.

But, Will it be easy after that?

No. But you will have made a major leap towards independence and healing.

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love.
But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”
-Said, one of my friend who is enjoying the break :p  True indeed.

This addresses one of the biggest dangers of suffering from a break up: not believing in love anymore and shutting down your heart.

This is wrong, because there is always someone out there better than your Ex, someone who will meet your needs perfectly. Whether we believe it or not.

Turning away from love out of fear means saying NO to life.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving
Passivity means death, activity is living. If you are passive, you allow negative things to come into your life.

Keep riding the bike.

You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore
In order to grow and to experience, one must leave his comfort-zone.

Very often this means that you have to do what you are afraid of in order to find what you didn’t know you were looking for.
This takes a lot of courage.
Ask yourself, who would Columbus be today if he hadn’t had the courage to lose sight of the shore back then?

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.
This is so true.

We often focus and dwell too long upon negative events in our lives, the whys and what ifs, that we don’t allow new positive things to come into our lives.

We have to open our eyes and say YES to life more often. Even to the worst things we get.

“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new.
What is broken is broken, and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken pieces as long as I lived”
This is from one of my favorite book  Gone With The Wind by Margaret.

What is broken is broken.  This is often so hard to accept and yet so true.

Months, or even years after a relationship break up, you will fully realize the fatal mistakes you made right after it happened.

Especially the panic controlled actions that made you appear as a different person – often you don’t recognize ourselves any more.

It can bring out the worst in you.

It usually happens that you hate yourselves later for the things you’ve done.

This is understandable, but the wrong thing to do.

Not only does it damage your self-esteem, which is urgently needed for the recovery, (what’s left of it).

But it also destroys the new concept of self-love you are trying to build up.

Avoid these feelings by telling yourself that the past is the past, and concentrate on the NOW.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can’t go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

All experiences, be they positive or negative, define who we are as a person. 

You can’t carry your unfinished past with you if you want to grow.

Especially when entering a new relationship.  

You need to have gotten over past negative experiences.

If you haven’t, then chances are that they will bite you in the lower back eventually.

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.


One of the hardest things to do after a break up is to let go of the bright future that you’ve planned out together.

Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult.
Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go.


What is easier, holding on or letting go?
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.
You are able to say to yourself.
You have lived through this horror. You can take the next thing that comes along.
You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

This is the only way to overcome fears: first by doing and facing what you fear and then by gaining the confidence that no matter what comes your way, you can handle it!

There is a famous quote where it says that one should learn from the mistakes OTHERS make and thereby avoid them.

On the other hand:

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.
I believe that there are two kinds of mistakes: the kind that you can learn and evolve from, and the kind that should be avoided.

When it comes to post relationship break up mistakes, there are some which better be avoided.  The following fall into that category.

Here are the main mistakes most of you people make right AFTER a relationship break up and what I found in common among my friends who were in love.

Panic Controlled Actions:

Confronted by what we think is the worst that can happen to you, you do anything to fight it off: you plead, you beg, cry in front of our Exes, harass, stalk, write e-mails, IMs, etc.

All these things will make you cringe when you later think about it.

I think that almost every Dumpee makes these mistakes – I don’t think that they are completely avoidable. These are desperate actions by our animal part of the brain, fighting for survival.

The sad thing is that they are completely useless. I’ve never heard that a Dumper came back after the Dumpee wrote them a billion e-mails begging to have mercy.

If you’ve made these mistakes, don’t beat yourself up over them.   If you’re about to commit them, try to resist.

Reassuring Love:

You are committed to thinking that if they only KNEW how much you loved them, they would come back immediately, so you keep telling them – over and over again.

The only problem is, they KNOW. They’re breaking up anyway.

Breakups happen rarely because the Dumper thinks that they are not being loved. Constant reassurance only leads to humiliation.

Hoping To Stay Friends ;-)

This is a very common mistake that is often made by those having little experience with relationship break ups.

I know that your Ex was your best friend, your intimate partner, the closest person to you.

But it is impossible to maintain this kind of relationship AFTER the breakup. Everything has changed – nothing is as it was before.

You can’t count on your Ex any longer, because they will harm you more than they would help.

The good news is, you CAN find another support system: Look for old friends who used to be close.

Your family should also be of great help. 

Look for new friends who can make you happy.

With whom you feel happy, safe and comfortable.

Use every connection you have for support – you need it.

Maintaining Contact:

The no-contact rule is the number one precondition IF you want to get over your relationship break up fast.

Look at it like a drug addict: you can’t get clean with YOUR drug right in front of you.

Use Your Exes Friends and Family:

Out of the ambition to make sense out of all of it, we use their friends or their family. We interview, manipulate and try to use them for our purposes.

Besides the fact that they rarely know anything about the deeper reasons, it really is inappropriate to involve a third person in your breakup. This is something that’s between you and your Ex.

If you do this, you will regret it later.

Rebound Relationships:

Many people leapfrog into a new affair right after their relationship breaks up.

I absolutely do not recommend that.

It may appear that this is the best thing to do in order to get over your Ex but, believe me, the opposite is the case.

You will be constantly comparing to your Ex, everything will remind you of them and you will be frustrated, because NOBODY is as good as your Ex.  (This is an illusion of course).

It will throw you back and it will mask your pain, hiding you from the issues your breakup needs to resolve.

Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to work these things out.

If you do, you have to face that problem again and again, from relationship to relationship.

For many people, healing will not start until they are alone with themselves, confronting their inner demons.

These are the main mistakes most people make right AFTER their relationship breaks up.

Please don’t beat yourself up if you’ve already made some of them. 

Even if they should be avoided, some of these mistakes are part of the healing and learning process.

So even IF you will look back month/years later and regret a few things you’ve done, they might have been necessary to get you to the point you are today.

Now it’s your turn, tell me, which one of these mistakes have you made? ;-)